He stood upon the quarterdeck, tall and slim. His dark hair swept back
by the stiff breeze, cloak billowing behind, looking for all the world
like the Indy was his and his alone.
Horatio!
Archie sighed and watched his friend surreptitiously for a few more
moments from the top of the companionway, unobserved. He noted the long
strong legs, braced a little apart to provide stability as the ship fairly
galloped over the waves. The broad shoulders, proudly held; the hands clasped
behind in respectful imitation of their Captain.
Acting Lieutenant Archie Kennedy smiled to himself and moved from the
top of the companionway to the quarterdeck, ready to take his watch. Perhaps
Horatio would stay a while longer although his watch was ending. Perhaps
they could spend some time in quiet conversation, a luxury they seldom
shared these days. Gone were the nights when they would whisper together
long into the night, side by side in their hammocks in the midshipmen's
berth. Even their time together in the Spanish prison, a time that had
brought them so much closer together with promises of even greater intimacy
to come, seemed long ago.
Horatio had a career now, a career that seemed ready to carry him away
from his friend. Archie was still trying valiantly to live down the horrors
from his past, to gain the trust of a new Captain, to fit in with a whole
new set of Officers. It wasn't easy. Everyone had heard of Archie Kennedy's
fits and although he had not had a single turn since his return from prison,
it was like a black mark on his forehead.
But through all this Archie still held hope! Hope that one day Horatio
would look at him and finally see that it was their friendship that had
carried Archie this far, that had helped him forget his time with Simpson,
that had given him the will to go on when he was alone in prison. It was
the hope that one day that friendship might turn into something more, that
gave Archie the will to live!
"Ah Mr Kennedy, we were waiting for you." Archie turned and squinted
into the sun, taken by surprise. He hadn't been aware that Captain Pellew
was also on the quarterdeck. "But they haven't signalled the change of
watch yet Sir, I didn't hear eight bells!" he stuttered out but it sounded
more like a question. Damn it, why couldn't he be more confident, like
Horatio. He wasn't late for his watch, he knew he wasn't.
"Of course not, Mr Kennedy, it isn't time." Pellew frowned and attempted
something of a smile, but it did little to ease Archie's nervousness.
"We were merely hoping you might be able to settle a matter for us.
Mr Hornblower tells me you know Shakespeare quite well?"
Shakespeare? The Captain wanted to know about Shakespeare? Had Horatio
been telling him of his love of the theatre? What would the Captain think
of that?
Nervously Archie licked his lips and nodded. "Yes Sir?"
He answered Pellew's question and then stood quietly while Horatio and
the captain continued their lively conversation. They seemed almost oblivious
to him, Archie suddenly realised as he watched the almost playful exchange.
There was something going on here, something strange. The Captain's manner
was altogether different when he spoke to Horatio. When he looked at the
young Lieutenant, his eyes alight with a passion Archie had seldom seen.
Horatio was almost coy as he answered the Captain's questions, his beautiful
eyes rolling this way and that, lashes fluttering.
It was in their eyes Archie realised as he watched them talking back
and forth, why hadn't he seen it before? But it was there, unmistakably
there. Perhaps this was something new, something that was still forming,
still developing and for these few brief moments, both men had let down
their guard and were unaware that their feelings for each other was showing.
Archie looked away into the late afternoon sun, squinting until his eyes
watered.
"I'll leave you Gentlemen," Pellew was saying and Archie made himself
turn back and face his Captain, standing to attention in a rigid pose.
"I'll see you later Mr Hornblower." Pellew added quietly as he left the
deck.
There was silence as Archie waited for Horatio to speak. Somehow he
knew he would, he could feel the tension in the air between them, the uneasiness
in his friend's posture now that the Captain had gone.
"Archie? Can I ask you about something?" There it was, the dark eyes
looking towards him, full of…what? Hope? Longing? But not the sort of longing
that Archie had hoped to see one day. No, this was a longing for help.
"Of course Horatio, you can ask me anything." Archie smiled at his friend
and watched as the Horatio nervously looked away, weighing up his words.
"For some time now, the Captain and I have been, well, we've become
closer. It was after Musillac. I was …well…I felt I had failed in my mission
and Captain Pellew spent some time counselling me, guiding me." A far away
smile crept onto Horatio's full red lips. "He told me about when he was
a young Lieutenant and some of the things that happened to him." He looked
back Archie suddenly, the look direct. "We found we enjoyed each others
company, our friendship grew, and now, tonight, Edward has invited me to
his cabin."
Archie knew he should speak, knew he should say something, but the words
dried up in his mouth. Somewhere deep inside he felt ill, a growing sickness
that brought dark images to his mind, images he fought hard to forget.
"And do you want to go Horatio?" he finally asked although he knew his
voice was far from steady.
"Oh yes Archie, it's not like that." Horatio licked his lips and a flash
of pity showed in his eyes. It made Archie wince.
"I know what might happen, I want it to happen. It's simply that," and
again Horatio hesitated. "It's just that I've never…I don't know exactly
what or how." Archie blinked, still waiting for Horatio to make himself
clear.
"Captain Pellew have so much experience and I don't want to disappoint
him. I was hoping you might be able to tell me what to expect. I know you've
done it before, Archie."
"What?" Archie gasped. Did Horatio really think that he wanted to remember
what Simpson had done to him? Surprise flashed across Horatio's brown eyes.
"Oh I didn't mean Simpson, Archie. I meant with a lover."
A lover? Of course Horatio would think he'd had a lover? In the Spanish
prison Archie had told so many tales to Horatio that his friend must have
drawn his own conclusions. But didn't Horatio realise he'd merely been
trying to put on a brave front by voicing his own wistful fantasies so
that Horatio wouldn't realise the true extent to which Jack Simpson had
crippled his life?
Archie was about to answer harshly that he'd never had the pleasure
of having a lover when he saw again the desperation in his friend's eyes.
The call for help that Horatio could not make to anyone else.
"Please Archie? I know this is very personal but I just want it to go
well tonight. I don't want to disappoint him."
It took all of his strength for Archie to smile back at his friend.
"Of course Horatio, I'll help you." If nothing else, he could do this at
least, so that Horatio wouldn't face the unknown. And perhaps if he could
explain it all, then Horatio would be saved the terror that he had experienced
with Simpson. For surely if you did this willingly, if you did it with
someone you cared for, then it wouldn't be as bad, would it?
"There are lots of things that you might do with each other Horatio,"
Archie began, looking around to make sure they were not overheard.
"You'll probably start by holding each other, that can be pleasant."
Archie thought back to the times Clayton had held him and comforted his
fears after Simpson was through with him. The comforting arms had felt
good around him as he cried out his pain in the dark. But that was all
Clayton had done. Archie had wondered at first why Clayton didn't stop
Simpson, but he soon realised that all of the midshipmen were scared of
Jack Simpson. After a while even Henry's arms around him had ceased to
be a comfort.
"And you will probably kiss each other. Have you ever kissed anyone
Horatio?"
Horatio blushed, "A few girls, but that's all. Nothing very much."
"Well there's quite an art to it, but I'm sure the Captain will be happy
to show you that." Archie almost smiled as he remembered the number of
times that he had almost kissed Horatio in the Spanish prison. The full
red lips always so close and yet just out of reach as they sat together
talking on their bunk. If only Horatio had given him the smallest bit of
encouragement. Now another would taste those lips. Archie looked away.
"What happens next really depends on what he likes, Horatio. There are
several things that he might want you to do."
Archie felt the sick terror resurfacing and fought to control it. It
is over, Jack Simpson is dead and he will never lay his filthy hands on
me again, Archie told himself as he confronted the demons that he tried
so hard to keep at bay. He felt his mind begin to cloud and whirl and he
looked back to Horatio's soft dark eyes, searching for a haven, somewhere
to anchor himself while he rode out the storm. The feeling passed and he
took a deep breath, surprised at how easy it was becoming to pull himself
back from the precipice that threatened to throw him into a fit.
"You might undress and lay in his bed," Archie continued quietly "He
will probably give you some indication of what he wants." He paused again
and looked at Horatio's flushed face and lowered eyes. "There are things
you can do with your mouth."
Horatio looked up, his eyebrows raised a little. "Mouth? Do you mean.."
A gust of sea spray offered a welcome relief and gave Archie a chance
to compose himself again. Not meeting Horatio's eyes he continued. "Yes,
you can use your mouth on his …organ." Archie looked around and took note
of where all the seamen were. He motioned for Horatio to follow him over
the taffrail where they both stood looking out to sea for a moment. "Give
me your hand," Archie finally asked and when Horatio yielded, Archie took
two of the firm strong fingers into his mouth and preceded to demonstrate
some of the techniques he'd learned while Jack Simpson held his hair in
his fist and a rope around his throat.
"I see," Horatio finally replied when Archie released his fingers. "Do
you think he'll want to do that to me too?" Archie looked back at his friend,
feeling something akin to jealousy. "If you're lucky Horatio."
"And what about the other?" Horatio finally asked as they walked back
towards the wheel. The other! Archie knew exactly what Horatio meant. Of
course Horatio would know about that. He'd had to listen to Simpson abusing
Archie too often not to know what was happening.
"Well yes, he might want that too." How could he explain this to Horatio?
How could anyone willing give themselves to someone like this. It hurt
and it was humiliating and yet Archie had heard that there were men who
readily indulged in this act. Perhaps it was different when you had the
choice.
"Remember Horatio, if he cares for you he will be careful. There are
things he can do to make it easier for you. It will hurt, but at least
you'll know that you're giving him pleasure." Archie thought back to how
he would escape from himself when Simpson took him, how he would retreat
so deeply inside himself that he didn't want to come back. He'd often wondered
if by doing this he had somehow started his fits himself. He'd probably
never know.
"Just close your eyes and listen to him and you'll know that he's enjoying
it. Tell yourself that you are the one responsible for that. That you are
making him feel so good." It was all the advice Archie could think to offer.
The small red tongue licked at the full red lips and Horatio frowned
slightly.
"And will he let me try that too?" Horatio asked seriously. Archie shrugged.
"I don't know. I think if he did, you would know that he cares a great
deal for you. But don't be disappointed if he doesn't."
They both stared out to sea again, at the sun that was sinking low on
the horizon.
"Just remember Horatio, if you don't want to do something, tell him.
I know he's our Captain, but don't let him bully you to do things you might
not want."
They looked at each other then, the spectre of Jack Simpson hovering
unspoken between them.
"I'll remember that Archie, and thank you. You're a true friend."
Horatio left then, his cloak billowing around him in the late twilight
as he made his way down the companionway to disappear into the bowels of
the ship.
Archie stood the rest of his watch in silence, counting the minutes
as they went by. The first dog watch had never seemed so long. He watched
as the stars appeared above him cold and remote, so far away. They offered
no comfort as he thought about Horatio meeting his destiny in Captain Pellew's
cabin below his feet.
When four bells finally sounded Archie was relieved of his watch and
made his way below deck. He wasn't hungry, but forced himself to eat a
little in the wardroom before quietly making his way to Horatio's cabin.
It was empty, Archie discovered as he peeped in through the small glass
window. Not surprising really, it was still early. He let himself in. If
things didn't go well then Horatio might need him. But Pellew wouldn't
do that, would he? Surely he wouldn't hurt someone he cared for.
Archie rubbed his face and sat on the end of Horatio's bunk. Please
let Horatio be all right, he prayed as he pulled his knees up, rested his
head, and finally fell to sleep.
There was a gentle hand stroking his hair and it felt so good. But suddenly
other memories broke through, and Archie sat up gasping in terror.
"It's just me Arch. It's all right."
Archie grabbed the figure in front of him by the shoulders as his panic
slowly subsided. "Are you all right Horatio?" he asked desperately. In
the milky light of dawn Archie looked into Horatio's eyes, searching for
signs to tell him what had happened.
Horatio beamed back at him, his face lit by inner happiness. "Of course
I'm all right Archie. It was wonderful." But the smile slowly faded to
be replaced by something else.
"Did he hurt you?" Archie asked not understanding the change, still
worried about the wellbeing of his friend.
Horatio sat down on the bed beside Archie and looked at his friend.
"No Archie, he didn't hurt me. It didn't hurt at all." The voice was
too soft, too wary.
Too late, Archie realised what Horatio had deduced. Too late to laugh
it off or change what he had said. Archie waited, almost cringing, not
wanting to see the pity in his friend's eyes, wanting to leave rather than
face what was to come.
"Who was your lover Archie? Who treated you so badly?" Gentle fingers
brushed the blond hair from his eyes before, waiting patiently for him
to answer.
But Archie couldn't. He simply shook his head and fought back the tears
that threatened. If only he could leave, but Horatio's hand held him more
surely than any rope or anchor. Time passed and still they sat and Archie
knew that once again he must face the unthinkable and answer his friend.
"There was no lover, Horatio. There was only ever Simpson. I just wanted
to help you, I'm sorry."
It was said. Archie made to go but Horatio held him back, gripping his
arm.
"Archie wait, I'm sorry too. I had no idea. I thought…."
There was nothing to do but stand and listen. Archie had no reply, for
what was he to say? He wondered why Horatio had always misjudged him, why
his friend had never looked beyond the brave front that he tried so hard
to show to the world. If anyone knew Archie's hidden fears it was Horatio
and yet he never questioned the stories he had spun whilst they wiled away
their time in prison. Stories of shore leave romances, of wild nights,
of the theatre and the many friends he knew. Oh Horatio, did you ever wonder
that there was a reason I told you those stories?
"It's all right Horatio, you have nothing to forgive. It was my fault."
Horatio let go of Archie's arm and rose to stand beside his friend.
"You were half right Archie. It's different when it's someone you care
about, someone you love." The words were soft, almost inviting and Archie
looked up suddenly hopeful again, his heart beating wildly. But Horatio
wasn't looking at him. The dark eyes were lost in thought, remembering
a night spent in heaven with someone else.
"You'll find someone one day Archie, don't give up hope." Horatio added
and Archie looked into the dark eyes one last time before turning away.
"One day, Horatio, one day."
The End
Minerva, August 1999
