By "Jane".
Reproduced without permission
 

A is for Archie, whose fits are suspicious
And brought on by men with actions malicious
And yet they're familiar, perhaps they predate
A Corporal Klinger, bucking for Section 8

B is for Bunting, a hungry man diner
Who walked through the gauntlet for something so minor
As a mouthful of dry bread and moldy old cheese
If only he'd noticed the stash of Ben & Jerry's

B is also for Bracegirdle and nice Mr. Bowles
Great character actors in character roles
Bracegirdle helped H listen to his men
While HH made sure Bowles listened to him

C is for Clayton, that old gin-soaked sot
If he hadn't been "second," he wouldn't'a been shot
But he didn't want a boy to fight a man's fight
If only he'd moved a little more to the right

D is for Duchess, of Wharfdale she claims
But a trace of her actor's greasepaint remains
D is also for Don Massaredo, amused
Cuz he's made H an offer he cannot refuse

E is for Edrington, Lord E to you
Defending a stream smaller than the Danube
E is also for Eccleston, unfortunate man
Apparently, he, however, was NOT born to hang

F is Finch, Foster, Fire Ships, and Frogs
There are so many F's in the old captain's logs
But the big F is for old Forester, C. S.
The man we should thank for lives now obsessed

G is for Gibraltar, an ideal locale
For exams and for larking, and Fire Ship sales
G is also for guillotine, a terrible way
To balance the power of France in those days

H is for Horatio Hornblower, of course
Who's honorable, noble, gallant, never coarse
He's handsome and gangly and awkward and charming
No wonder he's plagued by women who're swarming

But H is also for Hunter, the fruit of the loon
Who'll find no women nearby ready to swoon
For a man who would stomp vital food for colleagues
You'd think he was a coach with the National League
I is for Indy, Indefatigable for long
I tried that line backwards, but the meter was wrong
A majestic frigate, complete with sails and cannon
That can blow the top off a Spanish galleon

J is for Justinian, Horatio's first ship
That unfortunately made our dear hero seasick
It soon met with danger and sank like a stone
On it Horatio once mused, "There's no place like home"

K is for Captain Keane, or is it Keene?
Another old captain never looked quite so green
K is also for Kitty, though she's mentioned before
But she has two identities, so she's noted once more

L is for La Reve, a French ship misguided
By our hero distracted by a fog and a lahy-dee
L is also for Lobsters, but not those you eat
These kind you can see from over one thousand feet
 

M is for Moncoutant and dear Mariette
Two people HH wishes he never had met
M is also for Matthews, an assistant unequaled
In wisdom 'n advice, he should star in a prequel

N is for everything Naval, I guess
Or navigation at which Horatio was best
Or it could be for Nelson, for he was well-known
But he wasn't in this film, so go get your own

O is for Oldroyd, a terrific chum
With hair bright as strawberries soaking in rum
O is also for Oran, a plague-ridden town
That left people writhing in pain on the ground

P is for Pellew, a most remarkable boss
Who at every turn thought HH was a loss
But when HH turned up, alive and adored
Captain Pellew just said, "Glad to have you on board"

P is also for Papillion, a critical trial
Of Horatio's courage and Simpson's denial
Of poor Archie's weakness, unfit for duty
Although overlooked because he's a cutie

Q is for Quiberon Bay, coast of France
A place of military strategic significance (whew!)
There's not much to add, there are no other q's
In this show heavy with H's is varying hues
 

R is for rats, for there sure were a lot
In almost every episode, every boat, fore and aft
R is also for Robespierre, or confusion to whom
Horatio toasted in the Lamb's Inn front room

S is for Simpson, a wonderful villian
Who lit up the screen even when he was killin'
His bite was real tough, but his bark was much louder
Thankfully Pellew thought he was worth the powder

S is also for Styles, a fan favorite here
Played with gusto and verve and lots of good cheer
He had a penchant for rats, wine, bullock, and chicken
He could do ads for KFC, he's so finger-lickin'

T is for Tapling, a frustrating dreg
Who finally got himself knocked down a peg
But later he helped when he slaughtered a bull
And then he slaughtered another until he was full

U is for U-Nee-Form, of which there were many
Some were quite snappy and some were just funny
But the best one of all was Horatio's coat
After he came back from checking the hole in the boat

V is for de Vergesse, the man who discovered
The Duchess an actress, but he didn't blow her cover
Instead he used his knowledge as bargaining chips
To get front row tickets to Rent and Les Miz

W is for Wellard, a poor abused rook
Wait, I'm sorry that character's in the next book
W is for waiting, which we now must all do
Until the powers that be film a sequel or two

X is for the Exam for "Leftenant"
Which our young hero failed cuz he thought he could wing it
But it still didn't matter, he advanced nonetheless
Cuz he's lucky and brave and saved Foster's a**

Y is for yardarm, of which there were plenty
And for our Yo-An, who climbed atop many
Z is for zee animals, of which we've become
Obsessed with our hero to ad nauseum."
 

Last updated 3 August 1999

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