This is what happens when I listen to too much meatloaf while trying to do serious writing <G> This idea came to me while I was writing TJE and I couldn't get it out of my head. I finally threw it together on Friday afternoon. Extremely light and hopefully humorous. This is NOT part of the Birds and the Beasts universe.

Disclaimer: Written for fun, not profit. Characters are not mine. Humblest apologies to Jim Steinman [the greatest songwriter of the rock era] for shameless use of his lyrics and song titles.

Warnings: Bad puns, senseless frolicking, m/m situations, bad language, blasphemy.

Some knowledge of the Meatloaf's 'Bat Out Of Hell' album is necessary or else this will make even less sense.

Paradise By The Binnacle Light [aka The Quarter Deck Club]

By Minerva

"You want to do WHAT?" Archie Kennedy stared in amazement at his friend Horatio Hornblower and shook his head sending his fair hair flying. "You must be mistaken Horatio, no one in their right mind would do that!"

"I'm not mistaken Archie!" Horatio Hornblower declared as he pursed his full red lips and frowned. "I heard Lieutenants Ecclestone and Chadd talking about it last night during their watch," he insisted, fervently, brown eyes blinking as he spoke. "I was standing downwind, just below the quarterdeck and I heard them."

"And I seem to remember a time when you overheard heard Matthews say he had seen Styles plucking a chicken but YOU thought he said Styles was.."

"Archie, that was a simple mistake." Horatio interrupted. "The weather was bad and the shrouds were fluttering and well I thought he said.."

"Yes, I KNOW what you thought he said" Archie tried to keep the grin from his face. "And the rest of the crew, not to mention the Officers and the Captain know what you thought he said! However THIS time I don't think the Captain will be laughing when he finds out!"

"Archie, he's not going to find out; not if we do it carefully." Horatio bent closer to his friend "If Chadd and Ecclestone can do it then so can we."

"I don't know Horatio, if we were to get caught..." Someone had to be the cautious one, Archie decided. Horatio tended to think with other parts of his body.

"Where is you sense of adventure? Look at it this way, Archie..it's a sort of initiation. I'm an Acting Lieutenant and I feel it's my DUTY to at least TRY to join this club that they were whispering about."

The Quarterdeck Club. Even the name sounded grand! Horatio had listened first with surprise then with growing envy as Chadd and Ecclestone had whispered about their accomplishment.

"Tell me again exactly what they said Horatio. I STILL can not believe that anyone would DO that."

"Well Mr Chadd congratulated Mr Ecclestone on his performance of the previous evening. He said that it was all thanks to him that they were now members of the quarterdeck club.

"Mr Ecclestone then said he couldn't take the credit, for of all the partners he'd had over the years, Chadd was the most accomplished. He called him by his Christian name at that point, in a most sentimental way and said someone with his natural talent made it all so easy and so much fun."

Archie cocked one beautifully arched eyebrow in scepticism. "Yes, but that still doesn't really explain anything Horatio."

"Think about it Arch! WE know they are lovers! They are always loitering around together. NOW they say they are members of the Quarterdeck Club! It can't be because of their rank. They have both been Lieutenants for quite some time. SO, it HAS to be because of something else. Something they did; something they did on the quarter deck!" Horatio gestured over his shoulder to the quarterdeck, where Captain Pellew stood like the Colossus of Rhodes, hands clasped behind his back, legs apart, firmly braced against the role of the deck.

"Now what could one do on the quarterdeck that was so unusual, so astounding that it would rate a special club?"

"Well, I can see your point. But fornicating Horatio? On the quarterdeck? I don't think so! It must be a misunderstanding."

"Archie, where is your sense of adventure, where is your sense of fun! This is a challenge to ALL of us, don't you see. If THEY can do it so can we! Don't you want to be one of only a few brave souls who have fucked their way to history?"

Archie Kennedy was nothing if not brave. He prided himself on having overcome years of torture and abuse at the hands of various family members and a long list of assorted officers and crewmen. To question his bravery was like waving a red flag at a bull.

"All right then Horatio, I suppose we can try it once. Just what do we have to do and when did you have in mind?"

"We've got to go all the way and tonight's the night! I'm on the First Watch with One Eyed Bob the Blind Helmsman. You can sneak onto the quarterdeck and whilst he is at the helm we can wander down to the taff rail and do it."

"But surely he'll hear us, Horatio. You know you can never keep quiet."

"No he won't, he's almost completely deaf. He used to a gunner when he was younger and went deaf from all the banging." Horatio looked up to the clouds thoughtfully. "Shame he isn't dumb as well, then he wouldn't be able to tell anyone even if he DID see something, but two out of three ain't bad, I suppose."

Archie shook his head, still in doubt.

"Oh Archie," Horatio pouted and pleaded. "On a hot summer night will you offer your arse to the Middie with the big.."

"Horatio!!!"

"Well will you? Will you do it?"

"Oh all right Horatio, but just in and out and no fooling about!"

Horatio grinned and leaned in close to his lover. "I bet you say that to all the boys," he whispered.

It just so happened that the Quarterdeck Club was meeting that very night in the Captain's cabin for their weekly game of whist. Lieutenants Chadd and Ecclestone had been extremely pleased when Captain Pellew had invited them to join the prestigious Quarterdeck Club to replace Mr Bowles and Dr Hepplewhite. The Captain had confided that those two Gentlemen were getting too old for the rigours of the game and had bowed out in favour of some younger blood.

Now however, Chadd and Ecclestone stood side by side in silent shock at the scene unfolding before them. Cards were scattered across the room and chips were rolling about the deck as the Captain and Mr Bracegirdle frantically pulled the heavy table beneath the skylight and proceeded to scamper on top like a couple of mischievous powder monkeys.

"I always said that Mr Hornblower would go far!" Captain Pellew whispered as he peered through the skylight.

"Looks like he's going all the way tonight." Bracegirdle muttered appreciatively as he watched the two midshipmen. "DO you remember when WE were like that Edward?"

"Oh yes Bracey, I remember every little thing as if it happened only yesterday, we were standing by the rail and there was not another soul in sight!"

Bracegirdle smiled as his eye took on a far away look. "I never had a boy looking any better than you Ed, and all the Middies on board they were wishing they were me that night." Captain Pellew and Mr Bracegirdle smiled wistfully at each other before turning their attention back to the figures on the quarterdeck.

"Ah Captain! Just look at them, there's no doubt about it, they are double blessed. Barely seventeen and barely dressed."

Pellew licked his lips at the sight before him. "Who'd have thought we'd have another two candidates for the Quarterdeck club so soon!"

Across the cabin, Chadd and Ecclestone both closed their mouths, blinked, and turned to one another.

"Do you think they do this EVERY night?" Ecclestone asked, pale faced.

Chadd rolled his eyes and shook his head "No, probably just the nights that One Eyed Bob the Blind Helmsman is on watch!"

"Hah and YOU thought it was our whist playing that had impressed the Captain!" Ecclestone muttered, "Good God! I hate to think what he had planned for after the game!"  

Meanwhile on the quarterdeck, One Eyed Bob stood cold and lonely in the deep dark night, dimly aware of sounds coming from the direction of the taff rail. He thought Mr Hornblower had said something about a pod of whales mating, but couldn't be sure. It was strange the number of whales that seemed to follow the ship and choose HIS watch to procreate. With his one partially blind eye on the compass, and his hands upon the wheel, Bob smiled to himself once again said a silent prayer of thanks to Captain Pellew for making him helmsman.

At the far end of the ship two figures were entangled, close and tight. "Horatio, I'm not sure this is such a good idea. My heart is beating loud enough to drown out the ships bell! And WHY do we have to take our jackets off?"

"Archie, I've been waiting so long for you to come along and have some fun, and you KNOW how hard it is to get semen stains out!" Horatio chided as his deft fingers undid his friend's breeches and slipped them down. "You're never going to regret this Archie," he continued as he turned his friend around and bent him over the taffrail. "Now open up your eyes I've got a big surprise."

They moaned in unison as their bodies slid together.

"Oh God Archie, it's never felt so good, it's never felt so right!"

"That's easy for you to say Horatio, you're not the one in danger of falling overboard!"

"Come on Archie, just hold on tight." Horatio panted as his thrusts got harder. "We're glowing like the metal on the edge of a knife!"

"Whatever are you talking about Horatio? Have you been drinking?" Archie asked in exasperation.

"OH Archie, I can see Paradise by the binnacle light!" Horatio groaned loudly.

"Heaven can wait Horatio! Only good boys go to heaven," Archie said with a final gasp, "Bad boys just come everywhere."   And like a bat out of hell, the Captain's voice called out from the skylight, "Welcome to the Quarterdeck Club Gentlemen!"

The End

Minerva July 2000  

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