The Continuing Education of Jonathan Riley. The further adventures of Jonathan and his friends featuring mainly original characters. Email the author for this story: jonathan_riley@yahoo.com

TJ2b  

Part 43  

In the days to come Jonathan's enforced estrangement from Archie gave him time to once again think over his situation.

Jonathan knew he owed Archie an explanation, but he also began to remember other things. Archie had transgressed too! Hadn't Archie given his word to Peter and then taken up with Jonathan behind his back? In the light of Archie's actions Jonathan began to see his own as not quite so damning. After all, he and Archie had never promised each other anything. In fact Archie had always been strangely reticent in speaking about love. Jonathan had merely assumed it to be the case. Perhaps it would be best to simply forget his single indiscretion with Kerrison and never mention it to Archie?

But that would not be easy to do. Jonathan knew his actions that night in Gibraltar had been foolish and yet he couldn't find it in himself to regret them completely. What he had experienced with Kerrison below decks only gained in attraction as Jonathan played it over in his mind time and again. The danger, the risk, the sheer physical excitement was strangely intoxicating and Jonathan knew he would do it all again if he ever had the chance.

Archie's daily absence left ample opportunity for Kerrison to step into the void. Whether Jonathan was on duty or off, the Mate was usually close by, always ready for a quiet word or a joke. Although Kerrison did not ask Jonathan for another meeting, the look in Kerrison's eyes made up for any lack of words. It was a hungry look, a look of such want and need that Jonathan always walked away feeling hot and breathless.

It was dreams of the Master's Mate that kept Jonathan awake now. Dreams so vivid and real that he woke in a sweat, aroused and frustrated, a situation made worse by the knowledge that Kerrison was sleeping just beyond the thin partition that separated their berths.

But Jonathan's dreams were not the only thing that made the nights so trying. The newly awakened adolescent urges of the younger midshipmen seemed to pervade the Middies berth with a constant musky scent of arousal. Nightly they would relive Moseby's story adding to it with their own fevered imaginings. It left Jonathan in an even worse state of frustration.

They had been at sea a week when it simply grew too much.   "And then she pushed me down onto the bed and sort of slid over me and she.."

Jonathan rolled onto his side and tried to shut out the whispering voices whilst visions of Archie and Kerrison tangled themselves in his head.

"I can't wait till I can do it again!" Pip Moseby let out a long frustrated sigh.

"Oh Pip, I'm going to do it too when we get to Portsmouth...I am, I swear it!" Charlie Witherspoon declared amid much panting and gasping.

"Well just don't bloody wear it out before you get there, Charles Witherspoon!" Lionel Thockmorton's less than pleased voice took them all by surprise.

"You can do it to mine if you want, Charlie. I don't mind." Grayson's little voice piped out in the darkness. "It always works better when you do it."

"All right but you'll have to give me a kiss first, Neddy." This was accompanied by much snickering and laughing from Moseby and Witherspoon.

"O yes, Charlie, I'd like that too," Grayson answered eagerly, unaware the others were making fun of him. "Can I come into your hammock?"

"You'll all stay put in your own hammocks or the Captain will hang you! Have you forgotten what Article 29 says!" Lionel's voice sounded deadly serious but Jonathan suspected it was a vain attempt to keep the younger midshipmen quiet so they could all get a little sleep.

"But I thought that you had to do it with an animal as well...Isn't that what it says?" Witherspoon inquired equally serious.

"Dear God!" Thockmorton muttered.

Jonathan slipped out of his hammock and pulled on his breeches sure now that Kerrison would be awake in his berth next door. He'd had enough. There was no use fighting his desire any longer.

"Where are you going Jonathan?" The lanky form of Lionel Thockmorton appeared in the shadows before the door.

"Out! I can't stand listening to THAT any longer." Jonathan hissed impatiently. "I'm going out to get some fresh air."

"You're going to Mr Kennedy's cabin, aren't you," Lionel whispered quietly. "That's dangerous Jonathan."

"No I'm not, Lionel." It wasn't a lie.

"Don't do it Jonathan, the risk is too great."

"Since when did you become my conscience, Lionel?" Jonathan whispered back. "Do you think you can stop my fun like you just did with them," Jonathan nodded over his shoulder.

"No Jonathan. That was different. I didn't want to let thing go too far. They are just boys, but..well things can so easily get out of hand. It's best to be vigilant."

Jonathan snorted. "Well I'm not a boy and I know what I am doing! Do you have any idea of how hard it is to lie here, knowing what I want is just a few feet away?"

"Of course I know how hard it is! I feel the same way myself but there are no bloody women on board and unless I want to jump overboard and swim back to Gibraltar there is only one other option."

"You're wrong Lionel. I have another. Now if you will excuse me, I believe he might be waiting." Jonathan had a brief image of Lionel's frowning face as he sidestepped the Middy and slipped out the door dressed only in his breeches and shirt.  

Part 44

"Now I know why they call it the bloody Cock Pit," Kerrison's voice was waiting for him in the darkness. "You lot are worse than a pack of bitches in heat," the mate teased.

"And I'd be willing to bet it's just as bad in your berth Kerrison." Jonathan followed closely as they made their way to the lower decks.

"Nah, the only sound you'll hear from there is snoring. Pike drinks himself to sleep each night and bloody Fraser is too old to get it up if yer ask me. He's thirty if he is a day!" Pike the Surgeons Mate and Fraser the other Master's Mate were Kerrison's berth mates.

They made their way through the sleeping ship, Jonathan's bare feet for once conscious of the dampness of the decks as they descended. It was another nook that Kerrison chose this time, another corner of the hold. Were there other faint noises here this time or was it just Jonathan's imagination?

"Keep very quiet. This time of night there'll be other down here for the same thing, yer know." Kerrison was already unbuttoning his trousers and Jonathan did the same, turning to face the wall in invitation.

"Yer like it like this, don't yer," Kerrison whispered in his ear as his fingers made hasty preparations. "Some lads don't yer know. They like doing it but not takin' it." He didn't give Jonathan time to answer.

It was rough and it was fast and it left Jonathan feeling more exhilarated than he would have thought possible. "I do like," he whispered when Kerrison turned him around and pinned him against the wall again. "It feels good," he smiled wickedly. "You 'fuck just right' Kerrison."

The mate's eyes were black in the near darkness.

"Yer getting' a dirty mouth Misssster Riley," Kerrison purred as he nibbled Jonathan's ear.

"You haven't seen what I can do with my mouth yet, Misssster Kerrison,"

"Who yer got there Kerrison? It better not be bloody little Fowler cause he said he'd meet me here!"

In one smooth movement Kerrison pushed Jonathan to his knees effectively hiding him from whoever had appeared. Jonathan froze, his heart beating wildly in fear. If the crewman caught a glimpse of him there would be no denying who his was. His red hair was unmistakable.

"Piss off Miller. Can't yer see I'm busy!" Kerrison growled. "I ain't seen bloody Fowler since the First Watch. He was skulking around on deck near the cutter. Try looking in there if he stood yer up!"

"So who yer got then? Jenkins? Can I do him when yer through?"

"None of yer bloody business who I got here and I don't intend to finish with 'im for a while, so go find yer own boy to bugger."

"Christ yer got uppity since old Bowles made yer mate. There was a time when yer never said 'no' to a cock. I ain't forgotten! Ain't forgotten that you and your pretty little Mr Riley went off together for hours while we had to load the water casks. Does he know yer fuck around down here with the rats? Maybe that's him yer got there now?"

"Yeah I wish! Stuck up little bastard that he is. He wouldn't give me the time of day, let alone drop his breeches for me! Only times I ever fuck him is in my dreams."

"Yeah you and half the bloody crew!" Millar laughed. "That new little piece, Grayson, is right pretty too, looks like a bloody girl with his blonde hair and big eyes. Wouldn't mind a bit of him."

"I reckon he'd whimper like a girl too. Now piss off Miller, I've done talkin' I want to get on with it."

The crewman named Miller laughed, "Well give it to 'im good then," he called as he wandered away. Jonathan found himself trembling.

"Shh, don't talk yet." Kerrison whisper when he pulled Jonathan to his feet again. "Yer all right. He didn't see yer."

"What he said, what you said..."

"It was just talk. That's what it's like down here. I used to be one of them and that's the way some of them still treat me. It's all talk, no harm comes of it."

Jonathan wasn't so sure. He knew that Jenkins and Fowler were two of the ship's boys, about the age of Moseby and Witherspoon. The playful fumblings that had taken place earlier between the young midshipmen seemed a far cry from what these other two boys did nightly below decks. A vision of Archie Kennedy came to mind and Jonathan shivered.

"Wait a couple of minutes and then we had best go." Kerrison continued, fastening his trousers.

"What would he have done if he had recognised me?" Jonathan asked suddenly as the full impact of their situation hit.

Kerrison looked away, not meeting his eyes. "Yer don't want to know."        

Part 45  

"About last night Kerrison."

They were seated astride the main topmast, both off duty. Earlier, Jonathan had retreated to the vantage point hoping for some time alone. But Kerrison had followed shortly after, as Jonathan knew he would. The Mate's presence, usually so welcome had the opposite effect today. Jonathan tried to harden his heart to Kerrison's playful teasing as he rehearsed what he was about to say.

Last night Jonathan had lain awake thinking about what had happened in the hold. The conversation between Kerrison and Miller had played over and over in Jonathan's head. Life below decks was so different to the sheltered environment of the Middies berth! The aspect of danger that had at first attracted Jonathan no longer seemed harmless as he realised with cold clarity just what might have happened had they been discovered. Blackmail? Probably, and Jonathan could think of several forms of payment that Miller could have demanded. It left him feeling sick.

In the early hours of the morning, after much deliberating and agonising Jonathan had come to a painful decision.

"We can't do that again, Kerrison. The risk is too great." The words hung there for a moment and Jonathan chanced a look at his friend but the Mate was staring at the endless ocean, seemingly unaffected. It was only when he spoke that Jonathan knew his words had struck Kerrison deeply.

"Yeah, I knew it was too good to last." The words were quiet and full of resignation. "What I said though, about you and Mr Grayson, it was just talk yer know."

"Yes, Kerrison, I realise that and it's not the reason. I am worried about being caught. The Captain has already spoken to me about my...friendship...with Mr Kennedy and Mr Overton is watching me constantly. I can't afford to make another mistake."

Kerrison looked away at the last word. "Yeah, that's what it would be with me, eh? A mistake!"

"No, I didn't mean that.."

"Maybe when we get home, maybe you and me could have a bit of time ashore together." Kerrison was still looking out to sea, refusing to meet Jonathan's eyes.

Jonathan opened his mouth to agree but thought of Archie and the plans they had already made. He couldn't keep both of them! Jonathan felt the realisation deep in his heart. One or the other, but not both. It wasn't fair to either Archie or Kerrison to keep stringing them both along. Jonathan bit his lip, acutely aware that Kerrison was still waiting for his answer.

"I'm sorry Kerrison, Mr Kennedy and I have already made plans to spend our shore leave together."

"Yer have? I thought he ditched yer?" The edge in Kerrison's voice was noticeable now. "Yer've not so much as spoken to 'im on deck since Gibraltar."

"I was mistaken. Mr Kennedy hadn't gone ashore with someone else. It was all quite innocent. Now we are trying not to arouse any more suspicion by not appearing to be overly familiar. That's all."

"Hmmph, bit late for that." Kerrison muttered to himself.

"And what is that supposed to mean?" Jonathan asked angrily.

"Nothin', but I'd bet money that I weren't the only one to know what you and yer Mr Kennedy were doin' every night on the Mistral. Yer made more noise than a pod of bloody whales mating! Reckon it's old gossip below decks by now!"

"Well all the more reason to put an end to things between us, then Kerrison.  I don't want to hurt your feelings, but..."

"Hurt my feelings? Yer not hurting MY bloody feelings! YOU were the one who asked ME for it, in case yer forgotten. I was just doin' yer a favour, that's all!"

The outburst surprised Jonathan and he guessed that despite Kerrison's denial, the Mate was upset. But then Kerrison turned around and he shook his head.

"I didn't mean all that. I understand what yer trying to say and yer right. Miller knows too much as it is and the last thing I'd want is for you to get hurt because of me."

"I AM sorry it has to end like this Kerrison. Truly I am." Jonathan reached out and touched Kerrison's rough fingers where they rested on the spar.

"Yeah I know, and I am too." Kerrison smiled softly. There was a hint of hope in his voice when he spoke again. "But maybe we can still be friends?"

"Yes, I'd like that." Jonathan said returning the smile.  

Part 46

Portsmouth, wet and cold, it never seemed to change. Jonathan, clad in his tarpaulin, stood against the bulwark peering through the rain towards the twinkling street lamps as he waited on deck for Archie. Everything would be better after tonight. Once he and Archie had talked Jonathan desperately hoped that things could return to how they had been. They would dine together and then spend the rest of the night in each other's arms.

He should be excited, but for some reason Jonathan felt dismal. A short while ago, as he had left the Middie's berth to come on deck, Jonathan had passed Kerrison in the passageway. The Mate had given him a brief smile and wished his well, but there was no subtle teasing and the light that usually lit Kerrison's eyes was strangely dim.  It was Kerrison's parting look, wistful and solemn that had cast a shadow on Jonathan's mood.

"Are you ready Mr Riley?" Archie's voice roused him from his contemplations.

"Yes sir."

They climbed down the boarding battens of the entry port into the jolly boat where they huddled together against the rain as they were rowed ashore. The steps at the landing were slick and slippery. It felt strange to be on land again. The streets were nearly deserted as they made their way past brightly lit Inns and Ale Houses. Only the foolhardy were out in weather like this.

"I hope you like this place Jonathan. I've stayed here a few times in the past whilst waiting for the coach home." Archie chattered as they hurried along. "The food is excellent."

"Archie? Archie Kennedy?" A voice called from a cross the street and figure quickly darted out from the doorway of an Inn to intercept them.

"Horatio?" The two men stared at one another their faces alight with the joy of reunion. Arms came out to clasp each other's shoulders and they embraced momentarily.

Jonathan stared. Lieutenant Horatio Hornblower had always been striking in appearance, but now Jonathan saw him with different eyes, eyes that had come to appreciate what was attractive in a man. There WAS something compelling about his classic features and dark good looks. No wonder Archie was unable to forget him.

"Archie! I heard the Indy anchored earlier today and I was just on my way to catch a ride out to see you! This IS providence!" Horatio finally glanced at Jonathan and raised an eyebrow.

"Why don't tell me this is little Mr Riley? My goodness, you HAVE grown since I last saw you!"

"Thank you Sir." Jonathan replied trying to sound gracious but feeling like an interloper. He was all too aware of his junior status, a midshipman amongst two Lieutenants. Would he be forever made to feel like a child?

"Archie, what are your plans for the night? I was just coming to ask if you would dine with me this evening." Horatio had turned back to Archie again, dismissing Jonathan completely. It gave Jonathan ample time to study the two men as they gazed at each other, their delight in seeing one another again glowing on their faces.

"You were coming to ask ME, Horatio? What about..." Archie stopped, his eyes full of surprise and Jonathan was left to wonder at the unfinished sentence.

"YOU Archie; it's you I want to see. I've had a lot of time to think about our last....meeting...and I," Horatio's glanced at Jonathan, who looked down at his feet knowing this was a private conversation. "What do you say Archie? Have dinner with me?"

Jonathan looked up again, straight into Archie eyes that were waiting for him. The pleasure that had been there scarce moments ago suddenly evaporated, leaving only sadness behind. Archie looked away.

"I'm sorry Horatio, I already have plans for tonight. Perhaps tomorrow?"

"I sail tomorrow, this is my last night in port."

"Oh." The disappointment in Archie's voice was undeniable. Silence descended as they all stood in the rain.

"I'm sorry Horatio, it's just that I promised Mr Riley we would dine together tonight, I AM sorry." Archie and Horatio looked at each other, their eyes speaking words that Jonathan could not understand.

"Well don't let me keep you then Archie.  Have a pleasant evening. Perhaps I'll see you before I sail in the morning. Just to say goodbye?" Horatio's voice was warm with understanding, but there was the unmistakable pain of regret there as well.

"Yes, Horatio, I'd like that and I am truly sorry."

Horatio returned to his lodgings across the road and Archie and Jonathan continued through the rain in silence. Something had changed. Something was different. Jonathan could see it in Archie's profile, when he looked up at his friend. A slight frown, a troubled expression? Archie caught Jonathan's scrutiny and tried to smile.

"Nearly there. I am sure you will like this Jonathan." To Jonathan's ears the words had a hollow sound.

Archie was right, the food that was served was delicious, but Jonathan found his appetite disappearing as he watched Archie playing with his food, pushing the roast potatoes around the plate. The glass of brandy remained untouched. Archie hardly looked like a man looking forward to the night ahead with his lover! Slowly, the coldness of reality seeped into Jonathan heart. Archie was thinking of Horatio! Thinking of the night they might have spent together. What was it that Archie had told him once? That not having had enough time with Horatio was his greatest regret? And now Archie was being denied that again because of a promise he had made; a promise to Jonathan.

Jonathan thought about the way Archie had looked that morning in Gibraltar after he and Peter Crittenden had spent the night together. He'd looked so happy, so content as if everything in the world for once was right. It was a look Jonathan knew he would not see on Archie's face tomorrow morning.

But there was a way! There WAS something that Jonathan could do! For once he could do something unselfish. For once Jonathan would put Archie first. Perhaps that was the greatest test of love...the letting go.

"Archie, I'm going back to the ship."

"What?" Archie looked up from his contemplations, a confused look on his face. "What for Jonathan?"

"Archie, go and find Horatio and spend the night with him. You haven't seen him for so long and...well...you and I will have other times. I know you've waited a long time to see Horatio again."

"Jonathan do you mean that?" Archie's look was enough to break Jonathan's heart. He tried to speak but found he couldn't. A nod was all he could manage.

Whilst Archie hastily settled the bill for their meal, Jonathan pulled on his sodden tarpaulin and tried not to think about the pain in his heart. If Archie had protested even once, Jonathan might have been able to hold on to his fantasy, but the indisputable facts could no longer be ignored. Archie loved Horatio more than he would ever love anyone else.

Was Archie conscious of the way his love for Horatio beamed out of him like a beacon? Was he aware of the way his eyes lit up when he looked at Horatio, the soft smile that played around his lips?  Jonathan had seen Harry Stratford and Peter Crittenden exchange looks like. It was a look that was saved for the one who was closest to you, the one that you loved before all others. Jonathan had hoped that one day he would see Archie looking at him that way, but he knew now that he never would.

But someone had! There was a set of eyes that lit up when they saw him, that looked at him and said so much; things about friendship and respect and want and lust and...love."

"So what will you do now, Jonathan?" Archie held the door opened and they stepped out into the rain.

Jonathan bit his lip, his mind whirling as he grappled with his discovery and tried to think. Had he made a mistake? Had he failed to see what was right before him?

"I'll go back to the Indy, Archie and...well...there's someone there, someone I might ask to come ashore with me...for the night." His face was flaming with embarrassment, but this time Jonathan knew he had to tell Archie the truth.

"Mr Kerrison?" The gentle inquiry took Jonathan by surprise, but there was no hint of censure in Archie's voice.

"Yes, he and I ..that is..I...do you mind?" Had Archie been aware of what was happening all this time?

They were in the street now, standing in the rain, the hoods of their tarpaulins casting their faces into deep shadows. Archie took Jonathan by the shoulders and turned him so they were facing one another. He leant close so that his words would be heard through the constant patter of raindrops.

"Jonathan, of course I don't mind! I couldn't help but noticed how close the two of you were becoming. There's nothing wrong with that. Thing aren't always simple between men like ourselves, Jonathan. We have to accept what time is given to us and be thankful for it. There are no assurances, no long term promises, because so much can happen to tear us apart. You and I won't always be together Jonathan. We'll find ourselves on separate ships and we'll make other friends. When we DO see each other again, it will be all the more precious because we have been apart.

"Perhaps I should have explained this to you at the start, Jonathan, but I thought you realised. I thought you had seen enough of death and parting to know that relationships like ours must be lived a day at a time. It would be foolish to think that either of us will go through life alone after this. I have other lovers Jonathan and you will too.

"Kerrison's a good man and I think he is a good friend to you. That's a fine place to start. It's always far better to care about someone. It makes it all the more special."

"He is special," Jonathan whispered quietly. "And he makes me feel...I can't really explain it Archie. I don't know how it happened."

"Shh, then don't try. I understand and I am happy for you. He's the one you should be with now. Our time will come again, just as the time for me and Horatio has come again."

"Archie.." But Jonathan didn't know what to say. Archie placed a gentle kiss on his lips.

"Thank you Jonathan. Thank you for all you have given me, for all your trust and love and vibrancy. I will never forget it. You will always have a special place in my heart."

"Oh Archie?" Was this goodbye then? Strangely, Jonathan didn't feel the remorse that he expected.

"We WILL have other times Jonathan, I promise you that. But for now I think we both know this is not to be."

Jonathan nodded. "Thank YOU Archie. I will never forget...everything. And I when ever I drink brandy I will think of your lips."

They both laughed, the tension washing away with the falling rain.

"Go on, Mr Kerrison has waited long enough. Have a pleasant evening Jonathan."

"Yes, Archie, you too."

Their eyes met and Jonathan saw something very special. Something that would always be there from now on, no matter what happened or how long they were apart. Something that he would see whenever he looked into Archie's eyes; love.

And Jonathan knew that look was reflected in his own eyes too.  

   Love is patient and kind;    It is not jealous or conceited or proud;    Love is not ill mannered or jealous or selfish or irritable;    Love does not keep a record of wrongs;    Love is not happy with evil, but happy with the truth.    Love never gives up and it's faith, hope and patience never    fail.      When I was a child my speech, feelings and thinking were those    of a child;    Now I am a man, I have no more use for childish ways.    What we see now is a like a mirror;    Then we shall see face to face.    What I know now is only partial;    Then it will be complete.

   Meanwhile these things remain:    Faith, hope and love;    And the greatest of these is love.

   Taken from St Paul's First letter to the Corinthian's

The End

Jenny Jones [Minerva] June 2000                  

Last updated 29 November 1999 This page presented by: